Birthdays and dodgy pictures…

21st August 2015

Should probably change the name of this blog now, turned 29 last week, it was such a strange day

I woke up to a message from my ex saying ‘Happy Birthday’ the first contact I’ve had for months, what the hell was I supposed to do with that! I messaged him back in an emotional stupor and said I miss him and the cat, to which he sent a mass apology for everything he put me through last year, explaining he was in a really dark place and if I can I should visit him before I go travelling.

For a few hours I lived in this dream world where I’d go and visit him and things would go back to how they were, then I suddenly thought that’s really not what I want! I’m going to Thailand on the 4th of November then travelling around for a few Months why the hell would I want to go back to a man that continuously lied to me for Months, did drugs behind my back and brought another girl into my bed? I have such a better life planned for myself than that!!!!!!

Today I found out he and the fat slag (sorry immature I know but I have to vent lol!) are officially a couple, this knocked me for six, I really wish people would stop telling me things about my ex as I really don’t need to know!!

I’ve now made a 5 year plan (I know these things never work out as planned but I need some kind of structure otherwise i’ll feel completely lost!)

Nov 4th – Go travelling, Thailand, Bali, Oz and New Zeland

Next Year –

Move to London get the perfect HR job

Buy own flat, paint it pink!

Meet extremely successful man who will treat me like a princess!

Settle down with said man have babies and lots of love and trust until death do us part (without the icky marriage part this time!)

Ok, so a little far fetched I know but dreaming’s all I have right now!

Just noticed this is the first blog I’ve written for Months! That must be a good sign as the blogs only come out when I’m angry!

I had a funny insight into the world of internet dating last week, started talking to this guy from a few towns away. First thing he asked was that I send him some dodgy pictures and you know what I actually did it! Felt kind of exhilarating! Its all so false though, took me ages to get in the right flattering position for pictures! I suddenly came to my senses when he kept asking me to Skype and even suggested meeting up for sex! I really don’t need that kind of weirdness in my life, I really need to take this time to focus on myself and the things I want to do! Girl Power and all that s**t!

Happy Friday all xxxx

Short and Sweet

It’s been 1 week and 3 days since I last shed a tear (not including weeping to The Fault in our Stars) I think this is the start of my uphill climb, I haven’t had a week without crying for almost 10 Months so this is an accomplishment!

I also seem to be thinking/dreaming about the opposite sex A LOT! This must be a good sign, I have no intention of looking for a new man just yet but its nice to be interested in someone else but twat-face!

Hope everyone is having a  good week so far x

Heartbreak Song

22^nd May 2015 –

When it comes to heartbreak I expected the anger and grief but I didn’t expect the physical symptoms, even though I know I’m getting better and starting to appreciate life again I have this dull ache in my stomach like something important is missing, if I give in and feel the ache too much it just manifests itself as tears and dramatic sobbing.

I really am trying to do all I can to feel better, meditation,  yoga, natural medication and exercise but the glum fact of it is the only way to feel better is to give into the hurt and pain and I suppose eventually things will improve (I’m only guessing/hoping as at this point it feels like it never will!)

When you are hurt and deceived it really highlights your strengths/weaknesses of character, I’ve learnt I’m an incredibly impatient person especially when it comes to the natural healing process. I’ve also learnt I can never be cruel or rude to someone no matter how far they push me; some would call this a weakness but I’m proud of the fact I stay nice no matter what, if you’re stubborn and revenge driven what’s that going to achieve? It will just drag out the heartache and probably the divorce proceedings as well!

I’ve figured I have 6/7 Months of living at home with my parents until I can afford to up sticks and go travelling, I just have to have patience and grace, 7 Months isn’t that long in the scheme of things, I just hate living in a small town, it seems to have become even more minuscule since everything happened like the walls are closing in and I’m afraid to go anywhere is case I bump into the man I was with for 11 years, a concept which seems ridiculous but I haven’t seen him since January and I’d like to keep it that way! That’s one way I know I’m lucky not to have children I understand some mothers going through a divorce still have to see their ex weekly and I really don’t know how you’re supposed to move on if you have to see them all the time!

Hope everyone has a nice Bank Holiday weekend (if they exist where you live) xx

Surprisingly Happy!

Blog 7 – **th May 2015

There’s a reason I can’t bear to put todays date, it would be our 4^th wedding anniversary today, a day I thought would bring tremendous sadness and irritation but to my surprise I actually woke up happy this morning! Definitely an emotional rollercoaster!

Today seemed to come with a revelation or epiphany if you like, I’m 28 years old and keep saying to myself I’ll take this year to grieve and get over the relationship then I can move on with my life next year, today I suddenly thought ‘why?’ why should I take a whole year out of my life to live in this limbo when I should be trying to enjoy it as much as I can, I’m young and shouldn’t be wasting a year of my life because of someone else’s actions!

It’s a nice surprise I feel this way today who knows how I’ll wake up tomorrow but you just have to take it one step at a time I suppose!

Hope everyone else is having a good Tuesday xx

Crazy Times and Crazy Minds

Blog 6 – 16^th May 14

Today not so good, this is the most frustrating time of my life, I have this complete want to just move on and be free but I have to wait whilst someone else holds the cards and determines my fate, meanwhile I’m stuck living a life I don’t recognise with friends who have more important things to do then listen to my problems, my brother actually told me to ‘Get over it’ earlier, whilst I know he meant no harm I just wish he could understand how being hurt so incredibly affects someone, plus it was only 5 Months ago!!

I don’t recognise myself, half the time I feel crazy the rest of the time just a zombie stuck in my own head constantly running through what ifs and hows, an extremely pointless exercise but unfortunately something I and many others can’t stop doing.

Currently listening to Gabriella Aplin a beautiful album but the songs feel a little too poignant at the moment, I always think music should be used as an aid not as something that drags you down even further.

When I’m in this kind of mood its dangerous being near a laptop/mobile device as I just feel like writing out a ‘why have you done this to me’ email.

In all fairness he did pre-warn me of his craziness when we first got together but me wanting to fix everything obviously thought If I love him enough we’ll get through anything,10 years later definitely not the case (pause for horrendous break down and downing of alcohol) I’m not proud of how I’m reacting to this I know I can’t be strong all the time but I feel so pathetic when I breakdown!

Right sorted myself out, reapplied make up, removed myself from the past and into the present and booked a massage.

Seriously feel like a psychopath at the mo, is this normal after being treated like absolute crap?

Mug’s game

Blog 5 – 12^th May 2015

Sometimes I really do feel like such a mug (fool to anyone that doesn’t get the English slang), I let the man I loved fool me and walk all over me, I was so loving and forgiving I thought the sun shined out of his backside. This is what love can do, yeah it can be the best feeling in the world but it can also make you incredibly vulnerable/naive, I didn’t think for a moment that anyone could hurt me in that way or make me feel worse than nothing.

I woke up this morning after yet another dream about him feeling so worried and anxious about how he is, I know he’s still taking/snorting drugs I’m just so worried he’s gonna end up in a ditch somewhere and I know that’s not my problem now but I can’t help it.  Part of me thinks the affair and lies wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for the cocaine but if I think like that I just end up feeling sorry for him and wanting to forgive him, something I can never ever do now.

I just don’t know how you shake the addiction of loving someone that much even though you know it was unhealthy, I’ve realised now that I never came first it was always about me trying to keep him happy and stop his anger from flaring up, in a way I feel so free now but it’s terrifying like I no longer have a purpose in life, like my only purpose was to be his wife and take on the burden of his stress.

Sun not so shiny today but every day is bound to be different, doesn’t help I just had a lift home and they drove straight past my old house somewhere I’ve been trying my best to avoid!!

The Sun Will Rise

Blog 4 – 10th May 2015

Last night I decided to have yet another night out drinking, something I’m getting quite good at since the break-up! I bumped into a friend who’s also going through a divorce because of her husband’s infidelity, she made me realise how incredibly lucky I am not to have children, I haven’t had to see my ex since January whereas she has to see hers once a week, what makes matters worse is he’s now moved in with the women he cheated on her with. Whilst I know my ex still sees the women he was unfaithful with (mostly just to snort cocaine) as I never have to see him/her it makes it a lot more bearable! I also learnt from several people that my ex was ‘punching above his weight’ by being with me and that looks wise he’s much more suited to the (ignore the immaturity here, I can’t help it!) fat, skanky hoe slut on a shallow level this made me feel amazing!

As I’m now set on giving in my notice and jetting off around the world in a few months I’ve been building a bucket list of what to do/where to go, so far I’ve decided to start with Thailand after that I figure I’ll go with the flow depending on who I meet, I know I have to see Bali, Fiji and New Zealand though. I know the worlds a huge place but if anyone has any suggestions on places I have to add to my list please let me know, I’m open to anything/anywhere!

I’m so happy to say that the last week has been the best I’ve felt since it all went down I just hope my impending wedding anniversary won’t throw me off course, I’m just going to try my best to distract myself as much as I can!

I’ve been listening to so much Kelly Clarkson this week, she really is the queen of all songs break-up related but not just angry songs about hating your ex (if you’re looking for that try ‘Never Again’) but songs that give you real hope about the future so if you’re feeling down and in a really dark place give ‘The Sun will Rise’ a listen it’s amazing and worked for me! Alternatively or if you’re coming to the end of your dark days try ‘The War is Over’, it helps if you have an empty house or room where you can belt them all out!

On a final note the sun is actually shining and for us in England that makes this a great Sunday!!

Bottom of the pile

Blog 3 – 6^th May 2015

The hardest part about being single is the fact all my friends seem to be at a completely different place in their lives, most of them are trying for babies or have ready-made families or they’re just too damn busy, this really doesn’t help with self-confidence as you feel everyone has a valid interesting life other then you! I’m trying to go out as much as I can but it’s hard when everyone seems to have something better to do! Ok now I just sound like a negative misery!

I know it won’t be like this for ever hopefully I’m off travelling in 6 Months or so then I’ll be starting a new life in London but right now I just need my friends, the friends I have helped through hard times and supported no matter what, I know life moves on and everyone has their own priorities but this is hard!! Grrr!!

Re-set

Blog 2 – 5^th May 15

I still pang for my old life no matter how toxic the relationship had become, just the thought of someone being there, the routine of mundane couple life; get in, cook dinner, stroke cat, swap niceties, quick cuddle then TV for the rest of the night (exciting huh?) I suppose part of me can see why he looked for excitement elsewhere although that’s definitely no excuse!

It’s like someone has pressed the re-set button on my life which it actually quite exciting but at the same time TERRIFYING! I know I’m lucky this happened at 28 rather than a few years down the line, it is like I’ve been given a second chance especially as my ex didn’t want children and couldn’t stand the sight of them, something I happily went along with whilst we were blissfully in love, I had started to think about them a lot over the last couple of years though!

I’ve also decided I’m packing up and leaving for Thailand in 6 Months or so, something I’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance or opportunity whilst saving for a House/Car or Patio! I’ll be going alone but with a group of solo travellers (probably 5-10 years younger than me but oh well!) the thought of solo travel scares me to my bones but I also think it’ll help build my confidence and open me up a whole new life, I have no idea what I’ll be doing when I get home maybe I’ll move to London who knows but that’s for me to worry about this time next year!

Quite a positive outlook today, does help I’ve just got back from Boxercise class, attacking punch bags really is a great stress reliever!

The only way out is through – Divorcing with no children

So first of all I suppose I should give some background, I’m single and 28 (unfortunately edging near 29!) Christmas 2014 I shockingly stumbled upon my husband with someone else, although there was a lot more to it than that I’ve decided I want this blog to be about my recovery and how I feel at the moment rather than dredging up old wounds or memories (not promising I won’t get drunk and have a ranting blog at some point though, it may just disappear quite quickly the next morning!) I’ve been looking for blogs about divorce or infidelity but it’s really hard to find one where there’s no children involved so it feels hard for me to relate, hence why I’ve started my own!

4^th May 2015 –

I have so much pent up aggression at the moment, I’m irritable and flinch at the slightest noise, unfortunately most of my grumpiness seems to manifest itself around my parents, the two people that love me more than anyone in the world, I’ve been racking my brains to wonder why I can spill my brain out to my friends and strangers but to my parents I remain withdrawn and secretive, not even wanting to answer questions about mundane subjects such as work or friends. Today I think I came up with the answer, for 11 years I invested all my trust and secrets in one person, the person I thought was there for me 100% and always would be, I thought we came as a pair and would be together for life. Investing all that hope and trust into one relationship has now backfired as having your one and only person betray and hurt you more than you could ever imagine takes its toll, I now feel vulnerable especially around those I love the most, I suppose I know they’ll never ever hurt me but I feel like I don’t ever want to let anyone else in the way I did him. Hence why I have an ice cold stony exterior forming, I just hope it’s not here for good, I know I have so much love to give and so much love inside that I can’t cope with feeling like this forever.

When I’m out and about (usually drinking alcohol) I feel absolutely fine and even like my old self, I also think I haven’t looked this good for years! All that confidence and British best foot forwardness seem to disappear the moment I’m at home alone with my own thoughts. Sometimes I just lay on the bed staring as my brain recounts horrendous situations or realisations from the last year, I can feel at that point I’m letting the pain and upset drag me down and that’s the moment I either let it pull me under or I jump up stick on a yoga/meditation DVD or go to the gym, some days though distractions just don’t work and you have to give into the pain remember the saying ‘The only way out is through’ you have to really feel what’s happened in order to learn from the situation and help it make you stronger, that’s the main reason I’ve started these blogs I hope in 5/6 months (when I’m back to my former self and on top of the world) I can re-read these and see how far I’ve come and how much I’ve learnt, either that or I’ll just think what a bloody drama queen!

I hope you’ll keep reading and post comments explaining your situations, it’s always nice to know you’re not alone in this!!